Autumn Leaves
by Artsy Werewolf
Summary: San and Ashitaka promised that they would see each other, but over ten years have gone by.  Ten years of less frequent visits, changing seasons, and San remembering something her mother once told her.  One-shot.


**A/N: Hey all! I was going to write another chapter of Finding Hope, but I watched Princess Mononoke the other weekend, and decided to write this instead. Finding Hope will _probably_ be updated by the end of the week.**

**This is a little different than my usual writing style, so I hope you like it!**

* * *

><p><span>Autumn Leaves<span>

A breeze stirs the leaves around. It stops for a moment, then returns, a bit stronger than before. I close my eyes and let the wind do as it wishes. I can smell the coldness in the air. It tells me that the leaves will soon be dropping. Autumn is coming.

It is time to visit Ashitaka.

I open my eyes. It has been a long time since I have seen my... friend. We swore to see each other often, but as time has passed, we have forgotten. Ashitaka once suggested that we write letters, but I laughed at him. I am a wolf. Wolves do not write, nor do they read. Besides, I do not wish to kill more trees in order to have something to write on.

I suppose that the reason I haven't seen Ashitaka in so long is that he is always working. It has been many autumns since he began living in the new village, but there always seems to be more work for him to do. I cannot visit him while he is working. Whenever I see that place, or the people in it, I hurt inside. An image of Moro appears in my mind, and I am reminded of how much I miss my mother.

By the time I have collected my thoughts, I am at the edge of the lake. I am not as fast as I used to be. This also makes me ache inside, although in a different way. Ashitaka once called it regret, but I don't think that's it. My changing speed is a reminder of my changing age. This is another reason I want to see my friend today.

"San!" Ashitaka's voice rings out to me from the island village. I take a quick look for him.

There are many men milling around outside of the walls today, but none are alone. I look more closely, and see a man with a small child standing next to him. If I didn't know any better, I would think that it was Ashitaka. But my friend has no children. It cannot be him.

Yet the man waves at me. Only Ashitaka would ever wave at me. It must be him.

The ache in my chest throbs dully, and seems to grow.

I watch with a sort of detached interest while the man hugs the child goodbye, and gets into a boat. He greets me with a hug. I am not even aware of walking us towards our rock.

"My mother once told me that you wanted a life with me," I blurt out. "Is that true?"

Ashitaka looks puzzled. "San, I..." He is trying to avoid the question.

I narrow my eyes. "Is. That. True?" My voice is an angry accusation.

Ashitaka sighs. "It's not a simple yes or no question, San." He looks out towards the rippling grass. It too has darkened with time and age. Soon winter snows will cover it all. The wind whips faster, and Ashitaka impatiently pushes his hair out of his eyes. "The truth is complicated, " he tells me. "The truth is that I fell in love with you the first time I saw you. The truth is that I wanted so see you every day. The truth is that it broke my heart to return to Irontown without you."

I wish he would just answer my question. This is another thing that I hate about humans. They are so damn determined to have everything be complex. Even "Are you hungry?" doesn't have a simple answer.

My friend finally nods. "Yes, San," he admits. "I wanted a life with you."

I get angrier. "If you really wanted a life with you, then what were you doing with a child?" I spit at him, the image of Ashitaka hugging the young boy replaying in my mind. "He's yours, right? I know he is."

I expect him to put his arms around me, and try to calm me. If he hugs me, maybe everything will be okay. His touch makes me feel better. It's always worked in the past.

Instead, Ashitaka turns away. "What you have to understand, San, is that you left me," he says in monotone. "I did want a life with you, and I offered that life to you, but you turned me down. You don't even visit me that often."

He wants me to feel guilty, but I don't. "I am a wolf," I remind him. "I don't belong in a town, or with other humans. You knew that from the start."

He smiles at me, but his eyes look sad. I don't like his contradicting emotions. "I know, San," he replies. "But, I _do_ belong in a town." He gestures grandly towards Irontown, which looks so small from our place on the hill. "I need to be with other humans. So I made a life for myself. A life among the humans."

"I can see that," I snap, feeling my old rash self taking over. I thought he was the one human that I could not hate, but it seems I was wrong. How very human of me.

"San..." he says sadly. He reaches his hand out to my cheek, but I jump away.

"Don't touch me!" I yell. I'm standing farther up the hill, crouched and ready to spring at him if he comes near. "How could you do this to me, Ashitaka? If you wanted a life with _me_, then why did you go and make it with someone _else_?" I let out a scream then, overflowing with raw anger and sadness.

Even now, I expect him to walk up and hold me. I wouldn't let him, of course, but it's nice to know that he cares. It used to be that he cared about me so much. What happened?

Ashitaka looks ashamed. "San, I wanted a child," he confesses, as though it's some great sin.

I laugh coldly. "And you didn't think the wolf-girl would be a good mother for your child, huh?" I ask bitterly. "My own wolf mother was good enough for me." I can almost see her here with me, feel her warm fur next to me, hear her calming breath. The ache inside me rises up again, and it hurts so badly. "I would have been good enough for you," I whisper.

Ashitaka looks surprised. I almost laugh at the look on his face, but I'm hurting too much to laugh.

I try to speak, but find that tears begin to fall as soon as I try. I clear my throat and try again. "Did it ever occur to you, Ashitaka," I ask him, "that I might want a child?" There, I've finally said it. My purpose in seeing him has been fulfilled.

The shocked look stays on Ashitaka's face. He blankly shakes his head, staring at me.

He is expecting an explanation, one which I'm not quite sure how to give. I pick up a stay leaf and hold it up to him. The sun makes the red and yellow colors seem to shine.

"I'm like this leaf," I tell him. "I am in the autumn of my ability to have children. Soon it will be too difficult for me to get pregnant, and I will have missed my chance altogether." I can't find any other way to say it. I hope he understands me. "I don't want to miss my chance, Ashitaka," I add.

He seems to have regained the ability to speak. "Children, I can understand," he agrees. I look up hopefully at the idea that he is seeing where I am coming from. "But why me? If all that you care about is having children, then why does it matter who the father is?"

I was wrong. He doesn't understand. I look him square in the eye and lie. "It's because you're the only human I can stand," I say angrily. "I _hate_ all other humans."

Ashitaka doesn't back down. "Then why bring more into the world?" he challenges.

I open my mouth to retort, then close it. I don't want to tell him this, but I know that I am running out of time. I turn away, so that I don't have to watch him while I talk. "It's not just about the children," I admit. "I wanted... no, I _want_ to have a life with you, Ashitaka. I want us to always be together and to have children and to raise them as mates." I chance a glance over at him, looking up with big eyes.

He runs a hand through his shortening hair. He always does this when there's something he has to think about very hard. I pull my knees up to myself and hold them, forming a defense against whatever words will come next.

"I can't," he responds at last. He is staring off towards the walled town with a mix of devotion and regret in his eyes. It seems like he is speaking to the town, not me. "I made a family in that village, and I can't abandon them. I have commitments there." His mouth twists into a wry smile, but his eyes remain unseeing. "It's part of being human."

I can't listen to this anymore. "Go back," I order him. He blinks a few times, then looks at me in confusion. "Didn't you hear me?" I ask, my voice raising and my body shaking. "Go BACK!" I am yelling now. "Go back to your damn village, and don't visit me again!" I stand up and my hands curl into fists. "Get away from me!"

He backs away slowly, then picks up speed, almost jogging. He spares one more glance and me before turning and running towards the water. I watch him until the little speck that is Ashitaka vanishes behind the village walls.

It is only then that I allow myself to break down. I let out a high-pitched scream before dissolving into sobs. _It's not fair!_ I feel like a child, crying over something stupid. _It's not fair!_ How is it that Ashitaka could move on, after claiming to love me? _It's not fair!_ Why did the human village keep drawing him back? _It's not fair!_ Who was that woman, that could make my Ashitaka leave me?

I guess I really am like that autumn leaf. I shine brightly, but I am weak. I am easily blown away. I am easily forgotten.

If this is what Ashitaka wants, then he doesn't need me anymore. I will be like the autumn leaf, and vanish back into the forest.

* * *

><p><strong>Reviews are always fun! :)<strong>


End file.
